Even though the Fantastic Four comics kickstarted the creation of the Marvel Universe, their film adaptations have been critically maligned. In the “Fantastic Flops” series, I’m going back and re-evaluating the four previous Fantastic Four films and seeing if they’re a “Flop”, “Bop”, or “In-Between”.

Fantastic Four (2005) did okay at the box office so 20th Century Fox decided to run it back with director Tim Story, co-writer Mark Frost, and the whole cast from the first film, including Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom and Kerry Washington as Alicia Masters. Frost is joined by Simpsons and My Super Ex-Girlfriend writer Don Payne and John Turman, who worked on Ang Lee’s Hulk. In the second and final film in this franchise, they attempt to adapt the iconic Stan Lee and Jack Kirby stories “The Wedding of Sue and Reed” and “The Galactus Trilogy” while also being influenced by the more recently published Ultimate Galactus Trilogy by Warren Ellis and various artists. This latter comic is why Galactus is a mute, amorphous cloud and not the godlike being he’s depicted as in the 616 Marvel Universe. Throw in a subplot where Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) becomes the Super-Skrull plus an appearance of future Herald of Galactus/Nova Frankie Raye (An unamused Beau Garrett), and it seems like Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer took some big swings across the board, especially for a movie with a 90 minute run time. However, it’s all strikeouts except for a few funny moments, a cool design for the Silver Surfer (Motion capture by Doug Jones ; voice by Laurence Fishburne), and Ioan Gruffudd finding his backbone in a badass monologue directed at General Hager (Andre Braugher in a thankless role) and taken almost word for word from Ellis’ Ultimate Extinction where Mr. Fantastic uses it to call out Nick Fury.

The initial setup of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer does have some merit. Reed Richards and Sue Storm (Jessica Alba) want to get married, but the world is about to end so they don’t live happily ever after. However, their relationship is built on “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” stereotypes as all the “will they, won’t they” tension from the first film is gone, and they’re the default couple in this one. In addition to the weakness of this key romance, the characters’ individual motivations are wonky, and their arcs are non-existent. Of course, Johnny Storm wants to be a rich, famous celebrity, and Reed Richards wants to do science, which consists of him fiddling with things that look like Game Boys and Xbox controllers and staring at screens. (We’re one year away from Iron Man, and science looking cool again.) However, Sue Storm just wants to be a trad wife even though she was a genetics researcher in the previous film and shows skills as a mediator and leader in being the first person on Earth to actually have a conversation with the Silver Surfer. There’s also Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) who is in a stable relationship with Alicia, and his monstrous nature is played for laughs. He also doesn’t get a lot to do in the action sequences with Human Torch (Thanks to special molecular shifting abilities given to him by the Silver Surfer.) and Invisible Woman running point in that department, and Silver Surfer handling the final fight by himself. It’s an unfortunate waste of a solid performer.

Another character whose appearance in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is even more unnecessary is Victor Von Doom. There are a couple, hastily edited sequences of him in the shadows tracking the Silver Surfer and then getting his face healed after being zapped by the Herald of Galactus. And, then, Frost, Payne, and Turman take a page out of fellow Fox superhero sequel X2‘s playbook by having the Fantastic Four team up with their worst enemy against an even bigger threat. However, X2 succeeds because Magneto is a sympathetic figure with a genuine friendship with Professor X. The Fantastic Four films hinted at a friendship/rivalry between Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom, but these are just two guys who hate each other and stare at computer screens while Doom gets in the U.S. military’s good graces enough to test the power cosmic and fly around on a surfboard pointlessly extending the run time of the movie. Unlike both the original and Ultimate Universe Galactus trilogies, there’s no plan for taking on the Destroyer of Worlds other than having the Silver Surfer fly at him and sacrifice himself. (Of course, he gets better because studios have been trying to get a Silver Surfer film greenlit since Terminator 2 figured out the cool silver CGI effects.) They’re bullshitting so much that there’s no time for Richards and/or Von Doom to demonstrate their genius beyond a too little, too late appearance of the Fantasticar. Dr. Doom is mainly a boring distraction in the film, and we know even less about Latveria and his connection to them.

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer is a moronic reflection of both the family dramedy and cosmic sides of the Fantastic Four comics. Tim Story and the screenwriters go for broad punchlines instead of fun character-driven humor even though there are some fun moments like Mr. Fantastic and the Thing cutting it up on the dance floor, or Raye roasting the Human Torch. On the cosmic side, Silver Surfer and Galactus feel like plot elements in a Roland Emmerich film not Biblical, Kirby Krackle larger than life figures although there’s a fluidity to Jones’ mo-cap performance and a majesty to Fishburne’s voice acting. Also, this might be a side effect of 17 years of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but its world feels hollow and lacks a sense of wonder. Evans and Chiklis definitely had potential in the roles of Human Torch and the Thing, but were ruined by obvious punchlines and plot developments as well as one dimensional villains. Both Fantastic Four films suffer from Story, the screenwriters, and editors William Hoy and Peter S. Elliott not letting scenes breathe and letting us have a chance to know and love these characters. It really needed more scenes like Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm throwing darts (and accidentally burning the dart board) while talking about how they feel about the end of the world.

However, for all the movie’s failings, that John Ottman theme for the Fantastic Four films is pretty epic though!

Verdict: Flop