Comixology currently has over 75,000 comics and it is now my job to dig through them all and find the strangest, most outrageous, and most fun comics deep within the depths and bring them to you at great danger to my own personal sanity. After last week’s discovery of one of my favorite comic book characters ever, it only felt right to continue my hunt for more great monkey characters hidden throughout comic history. This led me to a comic which I never would have dreamed possible, where a giant woman, and an even larger anthropomorphic monkey, fight off an army of frog people called froglodytes, Monkeyman and O’Brien. This premise sounds awesome until you realize the froglodytes are the absolute WORST invading army in history.

The story opens with Ann O’Brien and Monkey Man, aka Axwell Tiberius, holding a press conference because everyone is wondering who these people are and where they came from. And, this is helpful because, I was wondering the same thing when I realized O’Brien was twice as tall as anyone around her and Monkey Man was clearly wearing a custom tailored suit. Why is she so large and where does one get a suit that big? While the latter is never answered, which is a crime, we do get quite a bit of information. Mostly, that O’Brien can do a standing shoulder press of 1,600 pounds but still likes to go to regular gyms so other people can quiver in fear of her.

The explanation for where Monkey Man comes from gets incredibly sci-fi heavy to the point where it seems like our friend Axwell is just throwing science like words around to confuse all of the humans. It definitely confused this human. But, to try and summarize, Axwell is from another dimension when his planet is populated by creatures that look like gorillas but are actually genetically more like humans. This is where I had to stop because I thought that we were super closely related to primates as it was so, it seemed like a weird distinction to make. Naturally, I did a bit of research. Fun fact of the week! While 70% of our genome is closer to chimpanzees, of the remaining 30%, 15% of it is closer to gorillas while the remaining 15% is very similar to both chimps and gorillas. Who knew? If you want more on that check out the article here.

Anyway, back to the story. Monkey Man was chasing a criminal through terminus, which is the inter-dimensional no man’s land that separates all other dimensions where apparently he works as a cop. It was at this exact moment, that O’Brien’s father built an extra-dimensional exploration device and he got caught in the tractor beam. And, why is O’Brien so large? Did she just happen to eat a lot of protein as a child? Does she have acromegaly like Andre the Giant? Has everyone around he just shrunk to minute proportions? No, she just got some radiation from her dad’s machine and it made her an unstoppable juggernaut. It’s a very disappointing explanation. They also fought these things last issue:And all of the reporters were pretty happy about it so it must have gone well. After a solid amount of backstory, we finally get to the froglodytes and their very, very, phallic shaped space ships.

The froglodytes have decided to invade Earth because, their home planet of Devonia is over populated, so they need to find new swamps to live in. Their evil plan centers on melting the polar ice caps with bombs and flooding the planet. They can then enslave the humans and live happily ever after. There’s only one problem. Their ship scans the planet and realizes there is only one threat on Earth that could possibly stop them; Monkey Man. They then begin the worst invasion ever by teleporting Monkey Man to their ship, rather than say, using one of their bombs on him while he stands helplessly in the open. Before he disappears from the conference, O’Brien jumps on his back because of, what I can only assume is, serious separation anxiety. Also, no one at the conference seems particular shocked by anything that’s going on.

The froglodytes trap them behind a force field and begin an extremely long monologue about who they are but, really the only important thing to note is that phallic ships have been part of their culture for a very long time.

At this point their entire plan quickly falls apart when O’Brien decides she is bored and just shoves her way through the force field holding them. The froglodytes did not have a backup plan in place for if the greatest threat to their conquest ever got loose in their ship, and they are absolutely horrible at crisis management. All the frolodytes just begin screaming at each other to stop them but, none of them actually do any stopping. Also, O’Brien may have some serious anger issues because, she does not wait around before she starts punching everything within reach and using one of the most underrated insults in all of human history.

Weenie. If one word truly encompasses the froglodytes, that’s it. The beating continues for a few more pages before Monkey Man begins to reprogram their ship, while O’Brien continues to search the craft for more frogs to feed her blood lust. There is also a page about the head of the fugitive that Monkey Man was chasing, being attached to a robot body in an underwater fortress but, it’s not really important so we’re going to skip over it because, there is only so much sci-fi insanity I can keep up with at a time. O’Brien eventually runs out of bodies to pummel and asks Monkey Man to send her to the bridge to get the captain because, smashing low ranking frog soldiers is fun but, smashing a captains face? That’s where the true fun lies. While she continues her crusade to destroy the jawbone of every frog in existence, Monkey Man teleports monstrous fireflies from…somewhere, the size of the froglodytes ships to destroy them because dragonflies eat tadpoles. Oh! Their ships are supposed to be tadpoles. Not…never mind.

Monkey Man then runs to the engine room so he can punch a few frogs because O’Brien had probably told him how much fun it was and also, takes time to reprogram their engines. At the same moment, O’Brien has finally been bested by being dog piled on by at least 13 frogs. The froglodyte’s finally have done something right and they take a moment to cackle and celebrate their brilliance. The captain prepares to execute O’Brien but, not before drifting into another long monologue. Apparently, breaking into long winded rants is just a big part of the froglodyte’s culture? This gives Monkey Man enough time to teleport O’Brien to the ship hanger where they casually steal a spacecraft and fly away.

Naturally, O’Brien is satisfied with what they’ve done because she has met her skull smashing quota but, Monkey Man does not think so small. To make sure the worst alien invasion of all time is officially over, he uses the froglodytes’ main ship to capture every other vessel in a force field and then sends them back to their home world at light speed, where he assumes they will get punished for their failure. It’s kind of a risky plan hoping that they don’t actually gather more frog soldiers and just come back but, it’s only a three issue series so I am assuming Monkey Man knows they won’t have time to make it back before the finale. Our heroes fly away victorious after having saved the earth one punch at a time.

I totally forgot about the weird monster from the beginning of the issue. Apparently, it’s coming back. I don’t know if I can handle another Monkey Man and O’Brien issue so soon. No comic, it won’t be OK and I am very afraid.

Graphic Policy must regretfully inform you that in his terror Kenny Coburn has locked himself in the hall closet and, says he will not be leaving until he doesn’t have to read anymore monkey themed comics. We will break in and have him writing more Iconic Indies by the end of the week.