Comixology currently has over 75,000 comics and it is now my job to dig through them all and find the strangest, most outrageous, and most fun comics deep within the depths and bring them to you at great danger to my own personal sanity. Today we are going to start with the comic that inspired this entire idea, Bob Powell’s Cave Girl. And guys, Cave Girl pulls no punches when it comes to strange. First thing is first though. This comic is kind of, and by kind of I mean really, racist in how it portrays Africans.
Like I said, pretty racist. Now, racism and hate of any kind are not right in any form or in any situation. But, it is important to understand the culture that Bob Powell was living in. Times were different back in the fifties and you could get away with a lot more discrimination and hate, simply because people saw that as the norm. The first issue of Cave Girl was originally released in 1952. Now, for comparison, let’s take a look at a fairly popular Disney movie that came out just one year later that you may have heard of and compare:

Oh yes, the old Peter Pan What Makes the Red Man Red? scene. A classic in American racism. And it isn’t as if this was not popular when it was released. It was the 2nd highest grossing film of the decade behind Lady and the Tramp which was released two years later. This is not to excuse the racism in this comic for its depiction of Africans, rather it is to show how a cultural norm then, can be appalling generations later but, accepted by those at the time. Enough serious backstory though, let’s get to Cave Girl and an opening scene so important it couldn’t be contained by the cover.

This may be one of the saddest opening scenes I have ever scene in a comic book. Cave Girl’s pet monkey, Chico, is being attacked by a boa constrictor when Cave Girl rushes in. This story does not waste time with pointless buildup about who these people are. No, you see a monkey in danger and you immediately know that this is a heartbreaking moment. (Side note: there need to be more monkey pets in comic books. I refuse to believe that Beppo the Super Monkey couldn’t work today as Superman’s go to animal friend.)

                                                                        

Being the badass that she is, Cave Girl stabs the boa repeatedly but, not before poor Chico is killed and buried. That’s when we have a hard cut to a very strange man sneaking up behind an African tribesman with a knife. This reduces poor Chico’s funeral to one short panel which is a travesty. He deserved better than that. I’ll never forget you Chico.

The chief quickly dies but, not before literally pointing at his killer to tell him he killed him and cursing him. After these two deaths, time passes. You may be wondering how much time passed. Me too. The only indication of how long Chico and the chief have been dead is a caption reading “then one day”. So yeah, I have no idea how far ahead we just jumped. But Chico is alive again! Bob Powell clearly understood the true star of Cave Girl. Also, the chief, known as Chief Tom, is alive too. So, I guess that’s good. Cave Girl also stubs her toes. I have no witty caption for this, I just thought it should be known.

It’s also important to note that all this snake killing, chief killing, monkey killing, and toe stubbing action has all happened on the first three pages, counting the cover. This book does not pause to take a breath and it’s taking all my energy to try and keep up. I do have to give Bob his due here by naming the African chief Tom which, is the most neutral and boring name you can give anyone rather than some random stereotypical African sounding name like Mukeefu. What? Mukeefu is the name of his village? Chief Tom of Mukeefu, huh? Ok, I’ll accept that I suppose.

We quickly find out Chief Tom was killed in a power struggle and it doesn’t take long before Cave Girl decides to help him take back his power because…she’s bored? There’s no explanation but I think Cave Girl just wants to hurt more things after her python murdering adventure. And, that is exactly what she does. Cave girl does not play around.

Oh, and Chief Tom kills a defenseless man in a single blow, setting the perfect example on why he should be chief again. Alright, now that we have two resurrections and a power struggle out of the way, we can catch our breath and finally get to some of the truly bizarre parts of this comic. Cave Girl leaves the village only to be randomly assaulted by a man hiding in a cave literally three panels later. She is having a tough day. And for what nefarious means does he attack her for you ask? Well, that’s quite simple, to send her into the future using his time machine that runs on a fortune teller’s crystal ball.

We find out this is how everyone’s favorite pet monkey, and true hero of the story, Chico was brought back to life when Ralph Norklander, our friendly mad scientist, sent his body back in time. But, apparently he is sick of saving lives and helping everyone because that was just a side hobby to kill time. Really, all he wants to do is make people super old so they miss all of their best years. Honestly, this is a pretty sick plan and makes me question how much I really like Ralph since he does want to kill Cave Girl, but he did save Chico… Let’s just see how this plays out before I make any final judgement.

He sends an elderly Cave Girl (Woman?) out to die and probably be eaten by animals. Fine, he’s a jerk and I don’t like him. Sorry, Chico. Cave Girl apparently has super powers though, because she can now talk to animals. For some reason, having that power above ground automatically makes her cooler than Aquaman in my mind, even though she’s doing the exact same thing. Anyway, if we have learned anything about Cave Girl in all this, it is that she will hurt you if you mess with her. And, sometimes, even if you don’t do anything to her.

Cave Girl sends her new animal friends to attack Ralph, throws the machine in reverse, and gets back her youthful glow. The day is saved thanks to…hold on guys, a wormhole in time and space just opened up. We are nowhere close to done. Centuries start to pass before their eyes and, Ralph being Ralph, he decides to jump in and ends up lost in time. But this bores Cave Girl, so she does what anyone would do after the past couple of days that she’s had. She hops on her antelope, next to her bear and tiger friends, and rides off into the sunset.

And the day is saved thanks too…wait. How am I only one page 8? Chico died and came back, she saved an entire village, and she even traveled through time all in 8 pages? This doesn’t make any sense. How? What…………….

Graphic Policy must regretfully inform you that Kenny Coburn has lost most of his sanity and won’t have it back until we force him to do this again in a few weeks.