By Brant Lewis
@Brant__Lewis

I have been aware of tabletop role-playing games (TTRPGs) for most of my life but became fully immersed in them when I joined my first Dungeons and Dragons group while in college. Although I have not strayed outside of that specific game, TTRPGs have not only provided a space where I have made several friendships but a place where I can experiment and explore concepts that I cannot typically do in my everyday life. Because of this, Kieron Gillen‘s and Stephanie Hans‘ Die felt like a series perfectly crafted for me. Outside of being a Gillen superfan, I connect strongly to his work due to the presence of well-rounded queer characters and deeply personal narratives. I often connect deeply with his titles; Die hits me on a much more primal and subatomic level. More notably, though, in Die, the character of Ash struck a vital emotional nerve not only with their arc but how their experiences with TTRPGs and exploration of gender and queerness mirrored my journey while playing Dungeons and Dragons.  

In the 20-issue series, a group of six kids got transported to the fantasy-roleplaying game Die in the 1990s only five came back two years later. Now as adults, they get sucked back into the world of Die, where they discover their former friend who has become the game master and ruler of the world. While the eventual endgame lies in the party returning home, most of the story follows each character tackling their issues and problems while dealing with the aftermath they left behind years ago.

A key element of TTRPGs lies in the fantasy element of its gameplay. By fantasy, I do not mean elves, orcs, or magic but the imagination component of its world-building. The game does not take place in a “physical place” but in one created by the dungeon master (DM) or game master (GM) and players. While some games may be played within established IP or utilize pre-made modules, there are still bespoken elements to make it personal and different for each group. Because of this, it allows the DM to craft their world and narrative for the players to explore and experience. Outside of world-building, another critical element of the fantasy lies in the player’s character. Essentially players have freedom in creating their character from their appearances, gender identity, and backstory to their classes and role within the party. Aside from the system and rules of the TTRPGs, players are not limited in crafting their player character. 

At the beginning of Die, the characters are given specific classes based on their character ideas, said to their game master Solomon. More notably, though, in the game world, almost all players choose to play as the same gender as they identify in the real world, except for Dominic Ash, who plays as a woman. Although this aspect is rarely brought up in the first couple of issues, this decision for Ash to identify as a different gender in the TTRPG brings up the critical question if the world of Die exists as a more truthful reality for Ash and the real world is just a fantasy they live in. Is the honest Ash who they are in the real world or who they identify as in the TTRPG? Granted, not every person who plays a character of a different sexuality or gender identity in a TTRPG means they are secretly queer or transgender, but it still rings true to many. Outside of me, many other players in the group I play with have had similar discoveries while playing Dungeons and Dragons. Clearly stated by Ash in issue 20, “Role-playing games are conversations in quotation marks, letting you talk about true things with a little distance, as a fantasy.”

A notable thing about TTRPGs lies in the communal narrative structure of the medium. It is not the DM or GM dictating a story to the players but the group working together to tell a story. Ash’s arc in both the story and Die lies in them coming to terms with their gender identity. When they return as adults, Sol tells Ash, “You weren’t at home in our world. I was 16 and I could tell it. But maybe you could be in a game I made for you? I wanted you to find you.” Often the disconnect between physical and internal identities for LGBTQ+ people occurs around the teenage years. Compounding this frustration and fear is that Ash was a teenager in 1991 England when homophobia and transphobia were still widespread and frequent. With the TTRPG, Sol hoped to help them break out of their shell and feel more comfortable. In one layer, this speaks about Ash’s journey as a player and their personal one. Ash’s overall quest in the game and the real world is for them to come to terms with their gender identity. 

Following their return to the real world as kids, Ash gets married and is expecting a baby. Despite their best attempt to move on from Die, they still feel it is haunting them. While lying in bed next to their wife, Ash thinks, “The easy thing is to say that my fantasy life is private. That’s not true. My fantasy is separate.” Being unable to speak about their childhood experiences mirrors their feelings about being in the closet. Ash believes they have to keep that part of their life compartmentalized and not burden it with their wife. Compared to reality, “Being Ash was always easy. It gave me so many permissions. I enjoyed it.” Gillen and Hans are not making Ash’s desire to be their persona in the game a fetish or view it as a negative thing. It’s an escape to who they genuinely identify as. Being closeted is akin to wearing someone else’s clothes that don’t fit while trying to be “normal.” The desire and the longing to be another person always existed within them, but they were afraid to broach the subject. “But here, everything gets blurred. The real and the not real. Every whim or thought is dragged out of me. I figure…safer to lock it all away” they explain to the party regarding their decision to remain closeted. But the closet can only keep things contained for so long before it bursts wide open. 

At the climax of the series, Ash must contend with the fears and anxieties that have been building inside them. Before facing the final boss, they come clean to the party about their struggles with being genderfluid. An adventuring party in a TTRPG is akin to a support network where each player character can rely on others for help instead of struggling on their own in both combat and social aspects of the game. I would consider my DND friends to be some of the people I am closest and most honest with. Honesty and authenticity lead to a more cohesive group and stronger relationships. After defeating the boss and arising from the water, Ash thinks, “The place brings everything to the surface to be examined. That’s what it tries to do. You learn from it…you choose what to leave behind…and then choose what to take. You don’t get to tell me who I am. Whatever it is, I decide.” Deciding to reclaim your identity from your innermost pain and trauma is not only complicated but powerful. I often hate the phrasing that it’s “brave” to live as your authentic self, but there is an element of bravery. Considering that decade has passed since the first time the group played Die. When they returned as adults in 2018 and escaped in 2020, homophobia and transphobia were and are still prevalent, so I would say for Ash; it’s not solely brave but the only way they authentically live their life. 

Most of all, I am incredibly grateful to Gillen and Hans for centering the story around a flawed and human queer character. Ash feels extremely real due to being allowed to have flaws, dreams, and fears. More importantly, to have Ash be an adult in their 40s and figure out their gender and sexuality. After they tackle the boss over the ledge, they think about The Chronicles of Narnia and how “If you think about it, all of Narnia is in the closet. And eventually, you have to come out.” A common phrase I tell people is that coming out is never a one-time thing. It’s a constant choice one makes where you must leave behind the closet to live as your true self. Outside of this, it is refreshing to frame the journey of discovering one’s queer identity as a lifelong experience and that it is never too late to come out. “When we were young, we didn’t have words for these complexities.” You don’t always have the correct words or methods to describe yourself when you’re young. Sometimes it takes time. TTRPGs appear to be quite complex on the surface, but it’s pretty simple once you understand the language and the system of it. 

Perfectly said by Ash, “You were adventure and glamour when life was dull. You were a place to explore the worst parts of ourselves. And the best. You were a place where some of us hid from real life for a lifetime.” Outside of providing an outlet for my creativity, TTRPGs gave me a space to grow, develop my identity, and discover who I am. A TTRPG is a personal thing, and what it means significantly differs on who is viewing it. I am thankful for Die capturing and displaying what drives me to play them. Much like the game of Die, it is hard, to sum up how much of an impact DND has had on me. It’s more than a game or an outlet; but is a place where I let go of my walls and be my true self.