Thursday’s Bain Supervillain Action!
On the same day Mitt Romney delivered his acceptance speech to the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida, the massive supervillain known as “Bain” appeared in New York City to offer his endorsement.
Addressing the crowd Bain bellowed:
I am Bain Capital, and today, I stand before you as proof that corporations are in fact people. Okay, maybe we are monstrous, cruel and sociopathic people, but still.
The 13-foot-tall supervillain, famous from his appearance in the recent Batman films, recounted the long personal history he shared with the candidate:
For years, Romney and Bain made a killer team. Together, we slashed paychecks, busted unions, gutted the workforce, and killed jobs by the thousands. We squeezed the life out of healthy businesses and left them for dead. Those were good times.
A member of the ominous “League of Shadiness” the ginormous speaker detailed how methods perfected at Bain Capital would be applied more generally during a Romney presidency:
Once we acquire this country, our first act will be to immediately fire all Americans. If you want to stay, you will just have to reapply for citizenship. Sure, individuals may suffer, but no question it will increase profitability over the long run.
Throughout the speech, hecklers who worked at Bain Capital-owned companies interrupted the massive creature with boos.
In concluding his speech the supervillain prodded the crowd to vote:
Why do you people always vote for the lesser evil? This time, just go all the way.