Even though the Fantastic Four comics kickstarted the creation of the Marvel Universe, their film adaptations have been critically maligned. In the “Fantastic Flops” series, I’m going back and re-evaluating the four previous Fantastic Four films and seeing if they’re a “Flop”, “Bop”, or “In-Between”.

11 years after the first Fantastic Four film was unceremoniously rushed out, 20th Century Fox put out the first proper theatrical film starring Marvel’s first family. Featuring a $100 million budget, a screenplay co-written by Twin Peaks’ Mark Frost and a cast of young, up and coming actors (Chris Evans as Johnny Storm, Jessica Alba as Sue Storm) and steady supporting actors/TV veterans (Ioan Gruffudd as Reed Richards, Michael Chiklis as Ben Grimm, Julian McMahon as Victor Von Doom), Fantastic Four hoped to bring these classic heroes into the new millennium. However, the end product is a film that is ashamed of being a superhero movie and cribs and scenes from the contemporary Sam Raimi Spider-Man and Bryan Singer’s X-Men film while lacking the former’s heart and the latter’s social conscience.

My main takeaway from rewatching the 2005 Fantastic Four film is its derivative nature. Like in Spider-Man, there’s a big superhero action scene on a bridge, but it’s just going through the motions and bringing the team together instead of creating tension in a heroic journey. Explosions, super powers, and special effects just happen willy nilly, and it doesn’t add to the four leads’ character arcs at all. Also, I hate to say this, but McMahon’s Dr. Doom is a defanged, Xerox of a Xerox of Willem Dafoe’s Green Goblin. The scenes where he takes out the board members who denied his IPOs lack the menace and freak factor of similar scenes in Spider-Man. McMahon’s best moments as Von Doom are when he’s looking at his increasingly scarred visage showcasing his vanity, and this is all thrown by the wayside when he puts on the sadly not-so-iconic Dr. Doom mask. Also, Julian McMahon uses a basic, robotic voice for Dr. Doom that makes him seem like a cheesy villain of the week and not the Fantastic Four’s arch-nemesis. Unlike Chiklis, who imbues his performance as The Thing with a gravelly physicality and vocal performance, McMahon loses his edge right before the big superhero/supervillain showdown.

Turning Victor Von Doom into a tech mogul instead of the magic wielding monarch of Latveria really homogenizes the character even though the Doom/Sue Storm/Reed Richards love triangle is a quick, immediate source of conflict. Fantastic Four could be a film about an immigrant trying to assimilate into the United States by being the ultimate capitalist, but Von Doom’s Romani heritage is absent while Latveria only acts as a punchline and a hook for a sequel. Unlike the 1994 Fantastic Four film, the Richards/Von Doom relationship is quickly dashed out through dialogue so director Tim Story can go back to showing off the film’s CGI budget by having Mr. Fantastic turn into a surrealist painting or having lots of “cool” heads up displays as Richards looks for a cure for his and his friends’ conditions. The Von Doom doing corporate espionage on Reed Richards angle definitely plays up his portrayal as a slimy capitalist, but at no time, I felt like Richards was one of the smartest men of the room. Honestly, he reminded me more of early 2000s/married Peter Parker than Mr. Fantastic, but sans quips. Gruffudd doesn’t even get to do a British accent to make the science speak sound better.

The main positives of Fantastic Four are Evans and Michael Chiklis’ performances as Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm. Even before he gains the ability to burst into flames, Chris Evan oozes charisma and nails the role of douchebag heartthrob. He objectifies women, but does it with a smile and a sense of humor, especially when he’s pranking Grimm. Director Story and writers Frost and Michael France wisely tap into the early-2000s extreme sports zeitgeist with Storm’s character featuring two genuinely fun snowboarding and BMX sequences to show him struggling with his powers before he gains control while still being a show-off towards the end of the film. The nu metal/G-Unit soundtrack and product placement overload date the film while also making it wistfully nostalgic. But what isn’t dated is Chiklis bringing an everyman charm to the role of the Thing as he nails both the sadness of the role as well as Ben Grimm’s sense of humor. He earns the “It’s clobbering time.” moment, and early scenes show a real friendship between him and Richards until the movie designs to drop it for the chemistry-averse Reed/Sue romance. (Also, Grimm would never trust Von Doom even if he bought him a heaping plate of pancakes.

In Fantastic Four, Tim Story, Mark Frost, and France don’t know whether they want the film to be a dysfunctional family drama, straight up superhero film, unlikely heroes sci-fi film, or a glorification of early 2000s celebrity culture. The film feels like a patchwork of scenes and tones before wrapping up with a decent action sequence and a coda that is an homage to Johnny Storm making the Fantastic Four sign in the Stan Lee and Jack Kirby comics as well as a very rushed-seeming proposal from Reed to Sue right as they show a little actual chemistry. But it’s too little too late, and I wish we had more scenes of the team spending time together instead of rushing after each other or being isolated in different rooms. (After they save the day, the Ben Grimm cure plot/superpowers being treated as a disease is conveniently pushed aside and sent back over to the X-Men franchise.)

Looking back, I think the reason I liked this movie as a pre-teen were the aforementioned X-Games tie-ins, onslaught of So-Be product placement, and the attractiveness of Chris Evans and Jessica Alba.

Will the appearance of heavy hitters like Galactus and the Silver Surfer in the sequel improve the film or make it even more annoying, you’ll find out on next week’s “Fantastic Flops” covering this film’s 2007 sequel Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. (Hey, I can do pre-credits stingers too.)

Verdict: Flop